Bicycles and other things

First off I’d like to apologise for my lack of posting lately. As a blogger I should be more thoughtful of people clicking and expecting new stuff. Its been a strange few days and I’ve been drunk and a bit emotional and procrastinating. Generally doing everything I can to distract myself even though the interwebs is my main form of escapism it also happens to be a few clicks away from what I need distracting from.

Anyway I’ve decided to turn my nail biting, teeth grinding and high stomach acid state of being into something more healthy and productive. So I’m back on the computer stool again. Its much more comfortable than a bicycle saddle too. Like I was saying due to my current situation I needed distraction. I had to stop walking the dog because 1) the dog might die if I kept up with the same length of walks and 2) people around the town would start asking questions like “why is this guy walking that old dog 5 times a day?”

Yesterday I decided to take care of some stuff that was a bit far to walk to and I don’t drive so I decided to cycle out. Now I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before but bikes scare me and cycling bikes on roads is insanity to me but I thought hey this will get my mind off things for a while.

And what a bone jarring, white knuckle ride it was. When I say that I mean I went at a snails pace out a busy country road but it was about as much excitement as I could handle, at times when big trucks went past me the only thing keeping the shit in was the thin excuse of a saddle wedged between my cheeks. After avoiding cats, dogs, mice, cars and trucks I made it. I wiped the tears of joy and relief off my face went about my business and went home.

With a heatwave predicted for this weekend I’ll be spending plenty of time not socializing and blogging like a man possessed. Did I also mention I came out last weekend too? Its funny how something I built up into such an insurmountable monument in my head was no big deal what so ever.

Later today I plan on combining mushrooms, garlic, cheese and chicken into something edible. I feel in a cider mood too. Oh and before I forget I’d also like to apologise to someone who might be reading that has a fondness for white wine. Your right its not just a girls drink. More of a refreshing manly drink. You know who you are.

The interview.

There I sat in the uncomfortably warm reception area, waiting. I’d been up since about 7:oo AM With things to do, a shirt to iron and a beard to be removed. This kind of facial hair would be more commonly seen on a hermit or other social recluses such as unabombers or cave dwelling terrorists. By 9:30 AM I was wrecked and ready for a nap, trying to hold in the urge to yawn in front of the two others also waiting for the interview.

Beside me sat two other candidates one of each gender. I eye-balled them trying to guage what kind of people they were. Small talk is hard to do in these tense situations so all I could do was make assumptions. Firstly I possibly made a mistake in my choice of going for a smart casual look today. My competition were both wearing suits but then they might be considered over dressed by those about to interrogate us about our abilities to carry out the job they wanted done.

Trying to judge these two was all I could do to distract myself from my own nerves. The cotton of the shirt was irritating my back and sitting in this static position for the past hour (I like to be early for these things) in this warm room had caused reservoirs of sweat to build up in some unfortunate areas. If I moved now the other two would only smell my fear.

I’d come to the conclusion that the man sitting opposite me was a sap. He spent the past 1o minutes glued to his iphone reading digg.com. Who reads Digg any more?  It’s so 2009, how could he be taken seriously with his apparent lack of knowledge of current trends in social news media. A dope he maybe but what if these people are looking to hire a dope. Some who can do what their told and not be too independently minded. Everything had gone topsy turvy this idiot could now be my biggest threat to getting this job.

The woman who sat opposite me in the room was slightly older and far more professional looking. Her face gave nothing away, she sat there elegant staring at an empty spot on the wall. Her intent gaze at a single point of nothingness made be feel more threatened than the iphone wielding gombeen beside me. She was here to get this job by any means necessary. My stomach was in knots, I had to make a decision between the  light safe breakfast I ate or something more filling. My empty stomach grumbled loudly just to add to my already frayed nerves. The current person being interviewed must be out soon, so I could get out of here and before the woman opposite tried to assassinate me and the gombeen to ensure she got the job.

Fear gripped me, have people murdered just to get a job before? She certainly looked like she would, time had slowed practically to a halt, I felt as though I was waiting for days now in this purgatory between the outside world and interview. Then the intent woman reached to the floor to pick up her handbag. The gombeen hadn’t noticed this, she would surely try to kill me first. He probably wouldn’t even notice I was dead. She unzipped the main compartment of the bag. Time was running out, soon she would have a gun aimed at my head. I had to act but what could I do? The gombeen would be no help, he was now busy updating his facebook account, no time to call for help either. I had to do something. Then it dawned on me I could possibly save my life and eliminate her from the interviewing process in one go all with one sentence.

“STOP, this woman is an assassin she’s in no way qualified to be an astronaut”

Then I woke up. As I do in all my dreams just before the action packed end. What the hell was I doing in an interview for astronauts anyway and if I was going to be shot I don’t think that would have been the best possible thing to do in that situation.

My inbox is still empty, NASA still don’t want me to be their next space monkey.

Queuing to queue in the queue

Wednesday has arrived and with it the social event of the week. First off to the post office followed by a trip to the bank. both locations only seconds and meters away from each other but this trip takes about an hour on a good day due to queues longer than those in College Green to see Obama. Many despise and hate these delays and queues but most people in the queue are on the same pilgrimage from one location to the other as me so after a few weeks you start to recognise the faces and smells. I can walk into the post office and from the odour know who is in there without even seeing them.

Like I said many people hate this necessity of unemployed life due to the delays and waiting and waiting and moving a little and waiting then maybe some discrete ball scratching and moving forward a little and waiting then checking what time it is for the tenth time in under a minute. For me however this is as I said the social event of the week. Sights and smells aside there is always a great mix of people and I for one like to strike up conversation with my fellow queuers. Today I met a guy I went to school with that I haven’t seen in about seven years. Long story short the drinking of pints commenced once our business was done then we went our separate ways and now I’m a little drunk this afternoon trying to think about what I cook that will be easy and not require too much use of sharp knives or hot pans. While I’m still looking on the positive side of unemployment I didn’t get any letters today saying “thanks but we wont be hiring you today”. These little things do wonders for moral and I got an email about a possible interview in June which has my bladder weak with excitement (almost as exciting as Donal Skehan on Monday nights!).

So I’ll depart form my blogging for the rest of the day. I’ve decided to cook a chicken curry and it’s none of that shitty instant curry powder stuff either but I’m out of cumin and coriander so off out I go into the unknown. There’s big news on Friday too but you’ll just have to wait and see what it is.

Priorities

I should have taken the time yesterday to say something about Obama being here instead of rabbiting on about Donal. By the way did any see his show last night and the provocative way he deseeded the chilli? It was great as usual and once again we got a glimpse of his idealistic life of socialising and dinner parties. I’ll stop talking about him now before I cant stop.

Given that every newspaper and a fair share of blogs and forums will be talking about Obama’s visit I should probably say something too but no I wont. I’m unemployed and disenchanted with the world and a visiting president wont change that over night. I had to quickly check my emails before I said that just in case there was life changing news in my inbox today. Alas there wasn’t just more automated replies saying “thanks for your interest”.

Like I was saying life is going to continue as normal for me today and most other people in my situation and there’s no point in getting down about it because being an eternal optimist I believe it will all work out in the end. What I do have to talk about though does have great consequences for the unemployed and even students already suffering from the boredom of summer holidays. It’s more important than visiting presidents or the soul destroying search for work, its BEER. To quoth Homer Simpson “Its the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems”. Whether you work or not most people enjoy a tipple at the weekend to unwind and relieve the built up stress of the week. I’ve said before yes being out of work can be stressful, its not just a big long holiday.

Through my long time in college too I’ve got more than just a passing interest in the topic and contrary to what some people might think Dutch Gold is a fine drink, always from the can though. It looks hideous poured into a glass. However where I live there are several well stocked off licences and I don’t see why I should just stick to the premium beers. Most weekends I pick up a random bottle or two with my usual lot just to try something different. One of the nicest beers I’ve tried lately is O’Hara’s irish stout brewed in Carlow of all places. While not the same as Guinness it’s a fine stout none the less. It’s also a bit stronger than Guinness and quite heavy so after about 4 I’m ready for bed (what can I say I’m a light weight or a cheap date depending on how you want to look at it).

Another dangerously potent but delicious beer is Duvel. It’s about 8.5% so you can’t be gulping it down like a pint of Smithwicks. Well you can if you want but from personal experience this leads to dreadful hangovers and a very unpleasant stink. This has probably not been the most informative of reviews ever but if you ever see these beers when your looking for something to imbibe I’d suggest you give them a try.

I mentioned a Steak and ale pie yesterday didn’t I? The recipe was originally a steak and ale pie but here’s my take on it:

Ingredients:

• 850g Steak (whatever type steak you like)
• 1 pack of rashers
• Leftover turkey from the weekend found in the fridge
• 1 pint bottle of Erdinger
• 2 onions
• 2 cloves of garlic
• 4 Bay leaves
• 2 teaspoons of Bovril
• 500ml of stock (I used chicken but any type will do)
• Mushrooms
• salt and pepper
• Ready to roll puff pastry

1. Finely chop the two onions and garlic then fry them off in a large pan. Once the onions have softened and slightly browned transfer them to a large casserole dish. Then dice the steak and rashers and then brown them off in the pan. This will have to be done in batches because this is a huge quantity of meat here.
2. Preheat your oven to 180C. Once all the meat has been browned off transfer it to the casserole dish with the onions and garlic. Pour half the beer into the pan used to fry the onions and steak to deglaze the pan (this basically means scrape the shit out of the bottom of the pan) pour the beer from the pan into the casserole dish and add the rest of the beer and stock, bovril, tomato purée and bay leaves.
3. Now chop up as many mushrooms as you like to add to the dish. Once you have the mushrooms added bring the casserole dish to boil on the cooker. Once it has come to boil, cover it and transfer it to the oven.
4. Leave to cook for an hour and a half (have a beer while you wait).
5. After this time the meat should have softened and the juices should have thickened. If they haven’t add a table spoon of corn flower and return to the oven for 5 minutes. Next you will need an oven proof dish for the pie. Transfer the contents of the casserole to the oven proof dish and role enough pastry to cover the top of the dish. Finally brush the pastry with a beaten egg and return to the oven for 30 minutes. Then your ready to eat! A lot of work for a pie isn’t it?

Oh Donal………

How do you do it? Singing, writing and presenting  and still able to look fantastic while doing it all. for those of you who don’t know, I’m talking about this guy.

Yummy!

He’s my kitchen hero. As we’re both around the same age I often wonder what happened that he’s achieved such success and I’m still toiling here on the periphery. His bright shining smile illuminates my Monday nights at 8:30 on RTE so that night appears like a sunny afternoon. In a perfect world he’d be sitting opposite me right now sharing a bottle of wine while we wait for my steak and ale pie to cook. Followed by a chocolate moose for desert or maybe some goats cheese on crackers if he wanted something lighter on the palette.

How does one achieve the title of kitchen hero? Do I have to get Paolo Tullio licking his lips in anticipation of what I might serve or even better get a great review from him. I actually don’t really believe in reviews there all shite for the most part unless they tell me what I want to hear. Or like Donal do I focus on good wholesome no frills meals rather than sherry soaked extravagance.  I’m left with mixed feelings of admiration, infatuation and jealousy as I contemplate my options. He’s great at what he does but where’s my kudos, where’s my TV show and book? I cook, I blog and try to somehow force them together. Am I next in line? These are all day dreams bought on from boredom and the frustration of unemployment but hey there’s always youtube. I could become an online cooking sensation.

Unfortunately this is the real world and Donal is not sitting here with me waiting a for my steak and ale pie to cook. Its actually steak, rasher and a little turkey pie and Erdinger instead of ale. Iv got a recruitment site and two other tabs open on my browser, one with a CV and the other with a cover letter. I’m staring at an advert for the position for kitchen staff in Supermacs in Kilkenny, do I send in a CV or do I dismiss this and continue my search for something I’m more qualified for? Most great figures throughout the ages have humble beginnings could this be my humble beginning before a television executive one day walks in and spots me behind the counter, notices my undeniable charm and wit and offers me a chance to be up there with Donal or even Gordon Ramsay.  Whatever happens I don’t want to end up looking like Gordon, he’s wrinkly like a 49 year old arse that’s been sat on too much.

Now its time to crack open that bottle of wine and continue my search for work greatness and recognition. I’ve got a date with Donal tonight at 8:30 too. Oooh I cant wait!

Lazing on a sunny Sunday afternoon

The unemployed like God also like to rest on Sundays. Before any of ask yes it is hard work being unemployed. You’d be surprised at how fast your days fill up. I have to get on the internet first thing in the morning to make sure I’m not missing out on anything in the world. Who knows when the next rapture might be announced? Or who’s getting bitchy on twitter today? I’ve also become somewhat of a housewife which is surprising after the filth that I wallowed in while I was in college and my household duties take up quite a bit of my day.

So today I’m giving my new beloved baby that is this blog a rest. I’ll also be getting off this religious rapture buzz too. So for now it’s lamb shanks and cheese pie. Tomorrow I’ll return bright eyed and bushy tailed maybe with adventurous tales to recount to you or a secret recipe to divulge. Watch this space though something will fall out of the Seedfeeder tomorrow and land on to the lawn of the internet. It’s a strong possibility that it will just be bird shit.

Cheese Pie

ingredients:

• 700g Spuds (yes us mucksavages dont say potato, we calls em spuds)
• Butter and milk
• Mayonnaise
• White pepper (black will do)
• 550g cheddar
• 55g breadcrumbs
• 2/3 slices of ham

Peel the spuds and cut them into chunks and steam until soft. Drain and mash the spuds with with a little milk and a big lump of butter. Season and add in about 180g of cheese and mix in. Dice the slices of ham and mix it into the cheese/spud mixture. At this stage preheat your oven to 180C

Next get an oven proof dish dish big enough to hold the lot. Spoon in about half of the spud into the dish. Sprinkle about 185g of the cheese over the layer of spud then add the remaining spud to the top of this. Then sprinkle the remaining cheese on top. Finally spread a layer of mayonnaise over the top and cover with breadcrumbs. Cook in the oven for about 25-30 minutes. The breadcrumbs should be crispy and brown at that stage.

This is one of my favourite dshes. It can be eating as a meal in its self of a side dish. It’s also good suitable for vegetarians (shudder) if you just leave out the ham.

Well this is Randall signing out for the week.

Raining but a little mellowdramatic to say it’s all over

So here we are alive, mostly anyway. As I went to sleep last night I didn’t know what to expect. I was a little worse for wear after the three bottles of ale I drank last night and the thoughts that I somehow ended the world were weighing heavily on my shoulders like fat man sitting on them with his thighs squeezing my face. So instead of letting despair grip me by the balls. I went to the fridge for one last sinfully lustful midnight snack. All these comparisons are a bit erotic today huh? I wont lie either the pleasure I extracted from gorging on a ham sandwich smothered in mustard and eating cream crackers buttered with green icing at that late hour was sexual in nature. The release of endorphins caused all the weight of the world to be lifted and stress of being a blogger fell away to nothingness. With the fat man off my shoulders and now my imaginary lover gently spooning me, I was ready for bed.

And a fine sleep it was. I apologise for this blog taking on a slight diary format but with these important days upon us I feel I must share my own experiences in the hope that whatever server they are stored on is spared from the whatever apocalypse we face next. Wait forget that I don’t apologise, this is my blog and I’ll say what I want on it.

So anyway morning came with a strong urge to empty my bladder. Afraid to open my eyes in case I find my fat imaginary lover had turned to a goat legged devil with a pitch folk ready to start the rapturing I decided to wait, then the dog barked. If she was alive enough to bark and still piss me off then the whole thing must have been a mistake. Maybe the believers got it wrong or maybe God was having a good laugh at us paranoid peoples expense. All that said it’s been a long day but a day of unexpected epicurean delights too. I had to go to a religious event today (I know weird isn’t it?) one that involved a fine feast. As well as typical Irish food being dished out there was a fine selection of African food on offer and a scrumptious rockyroad made by me! These events kick off early too, I dont know what it is about religious people waking up early to pray and eat but Im a scrounger and this meant free food and booze.

Given the time of the morning that all this proceeded at I decided not to chance the African food first just in case my delicate gastrointestinal tract wasn’t able for it yet. So my first plateful consisted of cold cuts, salad and a refreshing glass of white wine. I sat back in my chair then once again content and happy with the world, my imaginary fat man appeared across the table from me smiling at me. With my belt loosened and my glass refilled I went for round two, oblivious to all around me and the ensuing festivities. Knowing that my imaginary fat comfort eating friend was nearby I became brave and said I’d go for some of the more exotic things on offer. I returned to my place with three different types of rice, a little puddle of something very hot, a thigh of chicken that had been boiled and deep fried, a piece of shin beef a few other little edible bits that I cant describe. About an hour later and another two glasses of wine and I was done. Satiated, stuffed and generally fucked from over consumption. All in all I had a well spent rapture stuffing myself till I could handle no more.

Presently I’m sitting at my computer sipping a cup of coffee to aid digestion and thinking about something slightly worrying. Maybe this is my rapture? Maybe I’m destined to eat myself to death for my sins? Maybe God is a cynical prick and wants to watch me slowly eat myself into oblivion?

Well fuck you and your doom sayers. I’ll live a happy healthy gay life till I die peacefully of old age or cryogenically frozen or transported to another dimension either way I’m easy. The end of the world wont happen till I’m good and ready and no book or preacher will convince me otherwise.